Internet Dragons

When RealID was being released, Shades of Grey posted something which is akin to legend now among blog posts.  “An Open Letter To Blizzard” is the famous internet dragons post.  Have a look at it because it’s still awesome no matter the time or context. 

At first I wanted to honour the post itself by changing up the term “realid” with “pandas”, but that just wouldn’t be cool (or make sense), so instead I give you my current thoughts about wow’s next expansion.

I love WoW.  I’ve played it for about 28 years now, true story.  I was in Azeroth long before home computing existed.





Fantasy was awesome.  Made up worlds, made up creatures, sword fights, heroes, damsels, hero damsels, pansy heroes, funny heroes, serious heroes, monsters, swords, quests, mustaches, castles, stone giants, passwords, princesses, dragons, flying dragons, mean dragons, good dragons, friendly dragons, princes, fistfights, magic, books, grimoires, enchanted forests, little people, dwarves, crazy people, jesters, conan the barbarian…

Fantasy was awesome.

Then I read Lord of the Rings and I discovered where it all started. Elves, dwarves, humans, orcs, evil lords, magic artifacts, corruptive evil, betrayal, walking trees, wizards, hobbits… like, really, everything started with this story.

Then Lord of the Rings was made into a movie and the orgasm I got hasn’t subsided yet.

Then I discovered World of Warcraft and it was like LotR was made into a game, in a way.

elrondThere were epic battles, I was an elf, I was a human, I was a fantastic creature out of myths that looked like an angry minotaur but scratched its ass a lot.  I was a risen corpse. I was an orc.  THERE WERE DRAGONS!

arwen  It was epic.  I fought Sauron, or whatever that Arthas something guy was called.  Evil was spreading across the lands.  Oh sure, elves were sexy.  AND SO WHAT?  Did you see Lord of the Rings?  Even the male elves were hot enough for dudes to want to bang them.

legolasYou could do your own quests, you could join parties, it was pretty wild. 

treeformlol  Druids! Omg druids were my bane! I didn’t understand how they worked.  For all I knew blizzard could’ve called that class “magnets”.  HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK!  I’m a bear no I’m a cat no I’m the lochness monster lol I’m an owl HAHA IM A TREE!  No i’m now a tauren again, or an elf. FOOLED YOU I’M REALLY A CAT *sprints away*

gandalf There were mages and warlocks and shaman and crazy spellcasters everywhere! (Also that picture was too awesome for a caption).  Fireballs! Frostballs! Schweaty balls! ALL KINDS OF BALLS!


Stabs, stabs in the dark! We cannot escape! They have taken the bridge… they are here!


Warriors and swords and charging and shields and defense and warrior stomp and BAM SWORD IN THE FUCKING FACE!


I just like Eomer, I thought he was a really cool character and he was really well played in the movies.  I have nothing to say here other than fangasming.


So then the Alliance wasn’t really “good” and the Horde wasn’t really “evil” and oh my god that means it’s just two groups of people fighting each other for survival or against a common enemy and orcs are pretty cool look at them they dance like MC HAMMER! CANT TOUCH THIS TAAA TA TATATATA!


THE 1 RING, zombies! Lordaeron lost to the plague, Arthas becoming the Lich King, killing his father, Jaina’s love…  I couldn’t get enough of this story.  The destruction of Quel’thalas, Sylvanas raised as a banshee, Forsaken Queen, Undercity reclaimed, Scarlet Crusade, Scarlet Monastery, Darion, Tirion Fordring, Northrend, Icecrown Citadel, Kel’thuzad, Spider POWER >8< !!!


What I’m trying to say is that this was an insanely awesome world.  Sure it had it’s silly moments, that’s why it was so addictive.  In fact I love the silly moments where the game breaks character entirely.  It allows me to remember I’m having fun and not actually embarking on an epic quest unlike some previous gaming experiences which punished breaking character (text-based roleplaying games). 

Rummaging through stranglethorn for about a month while slowly leveling and fishing and escaping from naga because they were higher level than I was was a blast.  Killing the Lich King was a bittersweet blast.

The game was awesome!

Cataclysm came and it wasn’t so awesome, but like a bad relationship I couldn’t quit WoW.  I stopped raiding because it wasn’t awesome enough anymore but I still played, I still love the world and it’s story.  Even the worgen were awesome (because like, have you seen how they transform from human to worgen? Holy crap that’s insanely cool).  Draenai?  Whatever, they can come from space, they’re cool.  They look like every other race, the chicks are sexy and impossibly (physically impossible postures, I mean) hot, the men are super buff alpha males like every single other race.

The game changed in Cataclysm.  For good or bad, it became what it is today, lots of people stopped playing, lots of people started playing, whatever…

Then Mists of Pandaria were leaked and finally announced.

badgers It’s a screenshot from the Badger’s Helm’s Deep thing which was really awesome.  If you haven’t seen it but are a Rings fan, go enjoy it.  It’s funny.  It’s silly.  It’s funny because there were no actual badgers in the movie, you see.  Because they’re just silly.

pandas1 Pandas in WoW are also funny.  They’re funny because they’re silly.  They’re funny because they were always referred to as a bit of a joke, some drunken panda walked in during Warcraft 3, did some stuff, and we’ve always laughed at them.  Haha, pandas are so silly!  Like the panda that sneezes and falls over!  Haha!  But they’re just silly, they don’t belong, like badgers in Lord of the Rings.

pandas2In no fantasy movie of mine from my childhood or from any period really, does a fat character that looks cute/silly/funny  make the movie.  It’s fun that there are occasionally comic relief characters like it (friar Tuck, for instance, in Robin Hood), because we need the silly moment to laugh, but that’s all.  So pandas in wow aren’t necessarily drunken fools, they’re super trained martial arts fighters.

Super trained martial arts fighters that are obese, rotund and alcoholics?  There may be exceptions to this, but generally i assume martial arts masters have managed to keep their bodies a bit more fit.

Oh, but they’re pandas, so it’s ok they look like this because bears look like this.

You notice bears aren’t a playable race, right?

But Taurens are cows!

You notice “cows” aren’t actually a playable race, right?  Just a minotaur-like race which will naturally have bovine features.

But but but…

Whatever, they look silly!  The male pandas look like, well, pandas!  The female pandas will probably be sexy pandas with giant tits.

pandas3Pandas on a mount totally don’t ruin my fantasy worlds.  Nope.


I don’t like Pandas.  I don’t like this expansion.

I will still be playing, because I like WoW, but you won’t make me say “yay pandas are fucking awesome I’m going to dress up as one for Blizzcon because pandas are the coolest addition to the game ever!”

Screw you to hell, Pandas and Panderia!



3 Responses to “Internet Dragons”

  1. 1 Leandra October 27, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    I enjoyed your pictures. I am also less than enthused about giant panda-people. It’s funny then that I’m having such a hard time deciding about whether or not to do the one-year-sub w/Diablo III deal, considering that I haven’t enjoyed Cataclysm as much as previous expansions and Mists of Pandaria doesn’t get me excited… and I fully intend to play TOR when it comes out, having been mind-blown by the beta. Why am I so tempted to take that offer then? If I were inclined to make a Brokeback Mountain joke I guess this is where it would go.

  2. 2 ledger October 27, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Hahah, had to laugh out loud to the “Today we fight!” one.

  3. 3 Tania October 27, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    My thoughts are:
    Pandas: dumb.
    Pokemon: dumb.
    Zones: pretty.
    Alliance vs Horde: could be cool.

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