The Sims Medieval: Chapter 2, THE END

The last post I made about the Sims Medieval got a few people from my WoW guild asking about it and a few people mentioned their own experiences with the game in comments.  One of those comments included the following:

“How is the UI in this game, out of curiosity? The loading screen is cute, but I can’t really tell much else about the gameplay or the detailed character customization you talk about. “

Well, dear Pwnerie, your curiosity shall not be sated!

Why? Because this game makes me want to punch a donkey in the kidneys.  The mere thought of playing it swells the blood vessels in my eyes to the point of bursting and flooding my sight with gore. 

I can’t even explain this sudden switch from my last post in which “hey, this game has some potential” to thinking it is the anti-Christ because of another hour of play.  This, of course, will not stop me from trying to explain it.

The Beginning of the End, or How I Started the Game Again The Next Day

There I was, fresh from a pretty exciting first day of playing any sort of Sims game.  My little Monarch Tanaki was doing well, she was ruling with an iron fist and making edicts and raising taxes and telling poor old distraught peasants that she was not responsible for their stupidity.  She had a budding romance with everything that moved, and I spent a lot of time hugging a scantily clad druidess and trying to get her to kiss me and then to go “WooHoo” with me.

After about 45 minutes of seducing said druidess and taking ample screenshots of the two chicks hugging and kissing, they went to do “WooHoo”.

Now, perhaps it was unrealistic of me to expect to get some sort of live sex show linked directly into the game, but I have to say I was disappointed nonetheless that I did not actually get to see any of said “WooHoo”.  I then realized that the term “WooHoo” grated on my nerves.

Also, within about 10 minutes of the dumb ho having had “WooHoo”, she had her debuff on again that she was unhappy and distraught that she had not had “WooHoo” in some time.  Give me a break, 10 minutes?  What the hell of a Monarch is she?  Even Persian Emperors paced themselves a bit more and they had THOUSANDS of the most beautiful women in their gardens as their private concubines.  Surely my Monarch of a MEDIEVAL town of 10 people could go a bit longer than 1/6th of an hour!  But no, apparently “licentious” as a negative trait means that you actually are made to play the Whore of Babylon.

As if that wasn’t enough, while I was fuming over the lack of gratuitous sex scenes and the stupidity of the “no WooHoo” debuff, Tanaki acted on her own and seduced some dude who looked like the ugly child of Theoden and Grima Wormtongue and they went for “WooHoo”.  Again, ZERO SEX SHOWN.  What is this crap! This is the internet!

And if it ended there, that’d be fine still! But no! SHE GOT PREGNANT!

I had now paid 50 bucks to play virtual dressup for half an hour, stare at an elaborate tamagotchi, and now would get to play virtual house.

Screw. That.

But no, I didn’t just turn off the game and never look back.  I waited.  I don’t know why.  I was hoping for some kind of dragon made of molten rock to rise up from the ground and tear the land asunder, forcing me to form a party of adventurers with 24 brave men and women from my kingdom so that we could slay this vile beast.

That didn’t happen either.

You know what did?

Tanaki gave birth.  In the middle of a crowd, right in front of her throne.

There is now a crib in front of the throne.

Because that makes a lot of sense, why take it out of the throne room.

This way she can just leave the table where she’s writing edicts and go breastfeed it.

I have paid money to get a virtual toon pregnant, to give birth and to breastfeed the baby.

Let me repeat this.





I would much rather play THIS:

It includes 17 Dick Sticks for use in the game.  The Sims Medieval only includes a Baby Stick and a Breastfeeding Stick.

Horrible, stupid waste of time.

I hope Electronic Arts burns in hell for having created the Sims franchise.

Apparently this one I tried is the “exciting” one with quests and things to do and progression.

Yeah, right.  So the others must have been even worst, which I just do not believe is even theoretically possible.


What Next?

5 step plan:

1.  wash my eyes with soap

2.  cry.

3.  wash my eyes with baby soap.  No tears.

4.  fire up this Age of Empires Online Beta I received.

5.  figure out what “do not disclose this to anyone”  and “Non Disclosure Agreement” means in the email that included the beta invite.





In the meantime, I will go back to indulging in World of Tanks.


13 Responses to “The Sims Medieval: Chapter 2, THE END”

  1. 1 Tania April 26, 2011 at 12:09 am

    It is really hilarious to me that this shows up in my blogger follow feed as mostly a picture of “pick up dicks” with a small amount of text at the side.

    • 2 latusthegoat April 26, 2011 at 12:10 am

      that’s pretty much the only part of this post that has substance.

      • 3 Tania April 26, 2011 at 12:19 am

        I think the biggest reason Sims Medieval failed for me is because I can’t build houses. I thought I’d be able to build my own goddamn castle.

        Honestly, the appeal of the other Sims games was using the cheat code for unlimited money and building fancy houses. The lack of it in this game? Utter fail.

        And you can’t blame me for this! You bought it first.

  2. 4 Lisa April 26, 2011 at 1:04 am

    Ha. I have to admit, I was skeptical of this the second I heard about it. At least it made for an entertaining rant for the rest of us…?

  3. 5 Ankatra April 26, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    This post made me laugh. xD I still like The Sims Medieval… but not as much as the regular Sims games by far. It could’ve been a lot better. I like playing as The Spy… eavesdropping or intimidating peasants for information… occasionally poisoning the town well… mwahaha. The Bard is pretty fun too… but yeah I pretty much have to play lesbians or switch to another character when one gets pregnant.

  4. 9 Iavasul April 28, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    For some reason I’m really happy that this game has bothered you so much. I’m 100% with Ankatra, although honestly the lack of maintenance the Sims require to go on with their storyline is refreshing and I do like the silly quests and different routes to take. But I’ve played Sims for years and had nearly everything from each generation of it, so having this little offshoot is still enjoyable.
    I’m a little disturbed by all the junk behind the unopened game pictured… can only imagine what the lair of Ca$h Money actually looks like…

  5. 13 Jay May 9, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    I like the new angle EA have gone with this game, Less motives to worry about is a nice change. However they should have given people the OPTION of either placing down a WHOLE prebuilt building or building their own one for each Hero, Surely with the experience EA now possess at creating these types of games that wouldn’t have been so difficult would it.
    I would also love to see Sims take to outer space, crash land on a planet only a few people kind of like castaways in outer space LOL… I just love space themed games especially sim variants.

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