The Sims Medieval: A Noob’s Tale – ch.1

The grand world of The Sims Medieval opened up before me with an elaborate artistic rendition of the world and it’s people, narrated by Captain Picard (whatever his name is escapes me right this second).  It was well done and totally sold me for a few hours at least of gaming with this one line:  “You came upon a realization:  People are dumb.”

The loading screen did nothing to make me think I won’t like my digital ant farm, either, featuring a well built female Warlock who is inexplicably wielding two daggers.  Almost like they want me to believe that outfit is for a Rogue or something.  Crazy Electronic Arts people aiming to change my established Blizzard preconceptions!

female warlock in rogue disguise

Ignoring all the pretty buttons, I somehow stumbled upon the start new game one and quickly was asked to name my kingdom.  Drenan, capital of the Drenai from David Gemmell, quickly entered creation.


Day 1

I have no idea what is going on.  A bunch of tutorial options are popping up but they vanish before I click them, possibly because I’m very slow at clicking them or because I hit “ignore” or “not now” or something like it.  In any case, I’m not sure where I’m supposed to go to level up or to gain loot.

I do know I have a sweet ass castle that is unique and not replicated in every single person’s game.

my sweet ass castle

It turns out that I lied earlier.  Nevermind gaining xp or loot, I don’t even know where the hell my toon is!  I see a bunch of people walking around talking gibberish and having little chat bubbles appear above their heads with hieroglyphics inside them and it makes no sense.  I’m rather enjoying the visuals though.  There’s this really scantily clad lady that’s apparently a Druidess of some sort, and even though she’s just walking around I think this game has potential.  Now some people are sitting in chairs and talking amongst themselves (more gibberish) then some kind of thing appears above them showing they either like each other more or less because of the interaction.  I suspect they have a guild chat somewhere that I can’t see.

Finally Understanding What My Toon Is

In any case, I’ve somehow managed to have to create a new Monarch for my castle and I gather THIS will be my toon.  The Sim creator is actually pretty incredible and allows you to use preset options for nose, hair, eyes, brows, cheeks, chin, lips (upper/lower), ears, etc…  or lets you customize each separately based on some specific variables.  For instance, you can select to work on your Sim’s nose, and you have 3 points to modify : nostrils, upper bridge, lower part bridge thing that’s the tip.  Each one has 4 or 5 slider bars with different variables ( how wide, how high, low, curved, protruding, large, etc… ).  And each little facial detail has it’s own options, allowing for one heck of a customized face.  I made mine hot.  Shocking, I know.  The default it gave me was bleh, but I made it yay:


I named her Tanaki Khan (also because of the Gemmell novels), and had to choose some 3 special traits of hers, two not so bad ones and one horrible flaw.  I forget which two good ones I picked but I know I made her “licentious”, essentially if she doesn’t sleep with someone or something every so often she gets depressed and starts moping around.  OH! I made her vain and something else, on top of that.  So hardly a mirror can run by her without being caught and stared at for a long time.

Loots and XP!

To be honest, I spent about half an hour creating her face, and then finding her purple clothes because all good Warlocks love purple, then I skimmed through all the buttons and ended up on some sort of quest, which I hear is actually a new thing in this instalment of the Sims.  I had to mash all the buttons on the screen until one took me to a forest where I kinda just stood around and realized I could click on a bush near me to discover  (after some time) that it was something I could pick.  Wildflowers or something.  Then I could pick them.  Yay.  I’m a vain ho of a queen that goes to pick flowers.  Life is good.


And then some bandit jumped out of nowhere and threatened me for money!  THREATEN THE QUEEN? I DON’T THINK SO BUDDY!  Out came the gauntlet and pow, right in the kisser, formal challenge issued to the thief!  Apparently it makes sense for me to treat a thief honorably with a duel.  Yeah.  Then he hit me with the gauntlet too. What the hell, it was MY challenge.  But ok.


We fought for a while and I got to watch it happen.  There’s some little indicator of your health and your stamina (don’t link them together like in WoW).  When you get hit, you lose health, but the longer you fight, the lower your stamina drops…. you lose the fight when either of your indicators go down too low, which is sensible.  If you can’t even lift your sword to fight, I assume you will lose that fight.


I’m just resting here, I actually won.  Thank goodness, because if I had lost the tutorial… yeesh!

So there I was, with some flowers in my inventory and some XP from having defeated this bandit, when I’m not sure how or why but I walked to the village path where I heard one of my citizens plea for help.  Some bully was roughing people up in the town square.  Or somewhere.  But I went there and BY ORDER OF THE QUEEN I sent him to the stocks.  Then I went there and threw tomatoes and eggs at his face until he learned his lesson, then I released him and somehow his feelings towards me improved overall.  The peasant girl in distress was so thrilled by how I handled her complaint that she became my servant and moved into my castle.  I suspect this had more to do with the fact that I had no yet built any houses for the peasants than anything else. Hmm.


Then I’m lacking screenshots but it was getting late so I went back to my castle where the game told me my Sim was starving and I discovered the “hunger” and “energy” bars near the bottom of my screen.  Apparently it IS possible for your Sim to truly starve.  I don’t want that anymore since I grew fond of my Tanaki, and so I tried to figure out how to get her food when suddenly she just walked up to the kitchens and ate the bowl of soup that had been prepared by that servant girl that joined up earlier.  Apparently servants have uses!

After that, I saw a bedroom nearby so I went and put my Sim to sleep, and the night passed without incident (if you don’t count people walking in and out of your room as incidents).

Tanaki woke up hungry and this time I found how to call your servant for food, which made more sense than the servants having special extra sensory perception of when someone is hungry.  I loitered about after eating and started noticing these things called “responsibilities” which are like daily quests and of which you get two every day, along with my actual quest that I was still on to uhh, I don’t really know what the goal of the quest is but it shows you what your next step should be and it’s entirely up to you if you want to take care of the quest steps or not.  Or if you want to do those responsibilities or not.  Queens are made for doing whatever the hell they want, not some quests!

I played a bit more by wandering my keep and started interacting with people and with the objects and I think I’m slowly getting the hang of how to survive in this ant farm.

Chapter 1 Observations

1. It is difficult to switch from such an objective /  progression based game like WoW into the world of the Sims which seem to have NO OBJECTIVES AT ALL.  It’s a little like watching reality television of someone’s life.  Normally I would say that’s awful and turn the game off, but The Sims Medieval also bring in at least a slight element of advancement.  Your chosen Sim actually has levels to gain (I have no idea what they do), things to acquire and goals to accomplish.  You are running a kingdom after all.  Petitions come in, declarations must be made or signed, foreign policy drafted, advisors hired, taxes levied (I have no idea if taxes are actually levied).  That whole aspect of this game actually makes it interesting enough that I’m excited to go back to it when time permits.

2. You can make your toon really hot.  Good.

3. My toon bathes with other people in the room.

4. My toon also pees in a bucket, standing up while straddling it, with other people in the room.

5.  Peeing in a bucket and bathing gives you buffs.

6. The previous 3 points just boggle my mind.




12 Responses to “The Sims Medieval: A Noob’s Tale – ch.1”

  1. 1 Tania April 5, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    Your Sim has a tiny nose.

    And peasants don’t need houses. They’re peasants.

  2. 4 Ankatra April 9, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    I’ve always loved the Sims games… I’ve been playing them ever since the original was released 10 years ago. I have all the Sims 3 expansion packs and when I get on a roll I’ll lose myself in it for days, having so much fun controlling all of my minions — I mean characters. And here I was thinking I could somehow manage to avoid picking up this iteration of the series… goddamn you and your post making it sound all interesting!

    • 5 latusthegoat April 10, 2011 at 12:05 am

      Well it is very fun but it gets pretty boring, maybe I just need rewards or something, or just things to DO in a game that don’t revolve around slowly making my palace pretty.


      Or maybe it’s because my whore of a toon got herself pregnant and now there’s a kid I have to take care off. Fuck it!

      • 6 Ankatra April 10, 2011 at 1:01 am

        Haha, I always hate that part of the game where my characters have kids too! I’m always like “goddamn little rugrat getting in the way of my plans!” and then it feels like drudgery until the kid is old enough to finally stay home alone.

        • 7 latusthegoat April 10, 2011 at 2:29 am

          I heard my kid in Medieval can go to the market for me and run errands. That’s the only reason I haven’t restarted the game and stuck exclusively to same-sex partners!

  3. 8 Ankatra April 10, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Yes, put ’em to work! Hehe.

  4. 9 pwnieride April 23, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    I found you through Kelsey’s blog and this entry absolutely cracked me up, so I had to comment! I went through a very brief-yet-intense Sims phase, so this was really a blast from the past with a cool medieval twist. It almost makes me want to play it again… except Portal 2 is next on my list as soon as I have gaming time again.

    How is the UI in this game, out of curiosity? The loading screen is cute, but I can’t really tell much else about the gameplay or the detailed character customization you talk about.

    Also – are you an Achaean? Just a guess, since you know Kelsey and Tania and Latus. 🙂

  5. 10 Lisa April 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Oh – just realized you are Latus, you were just replying to people’s comments here. Ignore me!

    • 11 latusthegoat April 23, 2011 at 5:33 pm


      Yeah, I have a planned second (possibly final) installment of my simtales. I suppose I can include an actual UI pic, that would make sense.

      The whole world seems to be playing Portal2 now except me…

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